Just a second

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Sometimes all the tricks to hide your sadness are not enough

Sometimes all the will force in the world won’t prevent you from doing stupid things.

Sometimes it hurts so much that disappearing into thin air seems fun.

Sometimes pain is so intense that suddenly you start to believe that there is a God and you even pray!

Sometimes you wish you would bleed out the pain easy and quick, but no it’s just slow and annoying. Your mistake, his mistake justified in your head and there is no time machine.

There are no heroes in a heartbreak. You hit the ground. Period.

There is nothing romantic about been heartbroken, you realize that and say fuck you media! Fuck you Friends! Fuck you Bridget Jones!

Sometimes you think about suicide but you know there is more to life than pain and thats when it appears.

A second of hope and you live for that second.

For hours, days, months…

Make up tutorial for when you have to face the world and there is no way for you to stay in bed

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I hope you have eye trouble and have to use glasses if not well… Conceal that bag under your eyes! Weird thingy those are! Even though you sleep and sleep they get bigger and bigger! Ahaha I believe they are a joke for you to laugh at yourself so, C’mon force that smile!

Now brush those eyebrows and paint the shit out of them because believe it or not they make you look like you tried! And bingo! Exactly what you need! Now brush that shit up until those eyebrows are full and you can’t see skin through those little hairs! Now that is done!

Next step, blush! Because you are not dead! Yet! Jajaja so put on a little blush on that face a pinky color would do the trick! It would look like you have all that blood pumping in your cheeks and you are full of health… jaja reminds of a certain movie..

Final touch! Lips! Girl you will neeeeeeeeed to put a little bit of balm on those, because god, satan or budda knows you cry like a motherfucker and that shit dries up your lips and that is a no no! So after putting on that balm put on lipstick! Don’t go with red, purple or black, because those are happy color, go with the color of a NPC (non player character) normally use and go with a very pastel pinky color! Again it would look like you tried!

Suggestion: don’t wear mascara or eyeliner because! C’mon you don’t want that shit running on the perfect façade that you just put on your face!

And you my friend are done! Go on and smile like you don’t mean it, say hi, act normal. There is only 10 hour away to be in bed and be real.

XOXO your makeup not artist that would work to cover the real you!

 

Learn and let go

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Ego.

I thought for the longest time that I was going to be the one who will break the walls of that boy. Oh I was so wrong… Instead of that, I got broken, shattered. that’s what you get when you try to “fix” someone who doesn’t needed fixing in the first place.

Pride.

I had a plan for both of us and I thought he wanted the same things,  even though the signs were always there, yelling at me. I didn’t listen, I choose to ignore them, because I thought I was right and they were wrong.

I paid the price, I accept my mistake and I choose to learn and let go. 

The moment that I said to you “I love you” with real tears in my face and my heart in my throat, you just looked down and hug me, I knew then, my worst fear came to reality and it didn’t hit me that hard because I have played that scene over and over in my head,  must thank my anxiety for that. You felt out of love for me.

Now strangely enough, I feel comfortable in all this chaos, I had my answer. Finally.

I think, this time I can move on. With the truth clear to me it’s easier.

Maybe this is a strange thing to think right now but in my head I have created a list for what someone should have to be my partner, it goes like this:

  • He or she shall no promise me a forever.
  • He or she shall have courage to tell me that when there is no longer love for me, it will be said in front of me “I no longer love you”.
  • No up to have a highschool romance, I have 27 year old. I’m done with low level commitment.
  • Must. love. cats.

Thats it for now. 

As I like to deal with numbers (counting) I’ll put it here 2 days without talking to him.

Keeping the faith alive

Susana.

Surviving the end

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Recurrent dreams.

I have a couple of places that only exists in my mind. A beach, a city, a building on fire.

This places have something in common, the world is always ending and instead of been scared I just contemplate how beautiful an apocalyptic scene can be. For example. When I have the dream of the beach there are always three doors colored with the primary colors, at first I thought each door would lead to different places but I have taken the three options and I always get the same. The scene at the beach. When I go in the door behind me disappear and there is a big storm that makes the sea look very violent until it form a big wave and I can see, that this wave is going to get me and there is no way to survive it or avoid it, but I’m never afraid, it just looks so bigger than me to be afraid.

Now, in real life I think I had a premonition or something that a wave was coming to my life and just like the dream there was no door, no path to avoid it, but I couldn’t really appreciate it until it hit me, this time I have been contemplating/living the damage done by that wave and the storms that still is going on.

I think the most beautiful view will be the aftermath and how I survive it.

Riding a wave

Susana,

Six days and a bomb

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I’m pretty sure my bad decisions have let me to a series of unwanted but interesiting adventures. 

I moved from my house with the hope of creating some necessary space between a micromanager mother and the asshole she calls husband and to actually make some company to a friend that was having serious problems with bipolar disorder plus he was evicted from his house he had a few weeks to figure that out and honestly it just seem impossible. I went there, to a place that seems more stressful than living with the two stressors of my life, but for me it was stress free, believe or not. I think everyone thought that this was a terrible idea, but for that time I knew peace. 6 days

This wasn’t going to last long as I suspected, I’ve learned the hard way to never hold on to the good times, enjoy it, yes, but no hold on to them because just like that everything can and will blow up in your face, the best is to have little preparation just in case. Maybe this why I love photography “a moment petrified forever”every day for 5 days little birds will give the best good morning  and to think that I will have another day to capture that, I lost that moment forever… Strangely enough the last day when I set up my camera to capture thia picture there were no birds.

So a thursday came, I didn’t even had a week in his house and I received a call from my ex asking me if I was okay…        -That question coming from him its starting to seem fucking stupid- But anyways I got intrigued and just gave a polite answer but something in that question seems off… I asked what was wrong and… The bomb…

My friend was gone… His uncle took him to a menthal facility because he lost it, something happened he just lost it and it seems he was starting to be a danger to himself and others so the uncle took him to make sure he was receiving the care he really need, they found traces of weed in his blood and he was talking about how he was going to end his life (according to the uncle) it pains me because he is one of those people that can light up a room with his personality and he is one of the smartest persons I know, so why… It’s one of those things that just are, I guess.

I had to leave that place as soon as I could at 10pm, my ex was with me so he helped me getting everything in the car so I stayed there looking at my situation with everything I could live with in my car and a additional character in my life, I had to take the cat with me otherwise I’m pretty sure they would abandon the cat to his luck on the streets and I couldn’t leave it there after all that cat has crawled his way into my heart, I mean he is the cutest, evilish thing ever, I think they are made of magic.

So… With no choice… At my ex house with my dog and cat and all my belongings, I felt a little pathetic thinking, it seems I can’t let him be,  do I always need saving? Is this some stupid chick flick that I’m living?… I started to feel anger…. Why? Wtf?

You know what was funny? My mom told me “it’s better if you don’t come back and make it on your own” that same fucking thursday.

At my ex car I just started to cry and cry and cry it wouldn’t stop and what I saw? Him chatting with a girl who was very worried and anxious about my friend situation…and I felt a strange pain in my knee when I looked I had blood on top of a scratch I had days before… Something bit me just on top of the scar and from my experience that was a spider… What a luck… Next day I ended up with fucking IV in my veins because my blood pressure was very very low and high fever so… Yeah good days + bad days =adventure

Well for six days I had peace and tranquillity so for that I’m grateful, I just hope my friend can come out of this better and stronger.

I hope that next time I can save myself so he can go with peace of mind that I after all  will be fine…

You know what maybe someday I’ll have someone who I won’t care if he save me or not, because it will be a team kind of thing -to help each other-

Hope what an abstract concept for the depressed.

If you are having a moment of peace, savor it, enjoy it, write about it but don’t hold on.

Love

Susana

 

Cruel to be kind

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Kindness, what a misleading thing.

I think for the longest time I’ve been very naïve about kindness, for me been kind was to give something to someone that they need (asked or what I thought they need it), it could be something material like money or emotional investment, but unfortunately it’s not that easy. How many times do you really know what you actually need? Most of the time we tend to ask something we want without even consider our true needs.

A few weeks ago, I had an anxiety crisis and I wanted to avoid driving in this state because I was afraid to get in a car accident so I went to my ex boyfriend house, he was about to leave to meet with his cousin, so he couldn’t really stay with me, but I just needed a few minutes to calm down, to the medicine to kick in, when I was there I told him that I didn’t felt good and he wanted to listen how I felt, however I was very tired, I didn’t want to explain that ache in my chest for the hundredth time, I just wanted to feel safe, so instead I asked “Please, just give me a hug”. I asked for this because at that moment I didn’t care if I was losing face or if I was been pathetic or if his hugs would be just out of pity, I didn’t care, I wanted that so badly period, but to my utter and shocking surprise he said “No, I’m late to meet my cousin”. What??

Rejection.  With so much rejection lately I think I have learned to handle it pretty well on the outside so I just shut my mouth but my mind was in a race of its own. “How much time does it take to give a hug?” “Why is he refusing such a stupid and simple request?” “How can he denied a hug to the person he still insist in saying that he love?” it went on with so many question until I asked myself “In which scenario would I refuse a hug of someone I care?” then I remembered a very particular person I used to care a lot about and how he would often ask me to hug him, kiss him etc.. And how I thought I was been kind to always give him exactly what he asked for, he was my friend, I didn’t see any reasonable reason to denied him affection knowing he was not emotionally right at that moment, until of course everything blew up in my face, he felt in love with me and I didn’t feel the same, without knowing I was cruel  to him and ignorance is never a card you can use to not been guilty of something.

Even though I didn’t actually said anything about the denied hug and just shut my mouth he knew the effect he made in me and like answering most of the question in my mind he said “You always get mad at me when you request something that I fail to provide, but you never truly appreciate what I do give you, what I give its never enough to you if it’s not on your request list” ouch…

After so many days of feeling hurt for that particular rejection and thinking about his last words I did me a favor and start to actually take responsibility of my emotions, of my problems, of the situation, of my shits and I knew that even thought I felt really sad he did the right thing, I didn’t really need a hug from him, what I truly need  was for once to start to be kind to myself and to stop waiting for him to save me, stop waiting for him to cure me, stop waiting for him to stop saying that he can’t be in a relationship with me right now and start saying that he wanted me back and for the most import thing to stop thinking that been in a relationship with him or with anybody else would save me from my monsters, because nobody can really save you but you, nobody can really fight your inner demons but you. 

It’s weird but in the midst of it all, I thought, do I really want to give this person I am right now to someone I love? Can I give proper love right now if I haven’t really fought off my demons? The love in me exists but the means to give it has disappeared and until I found it again I will be able love fully, freely and completely without losing myself in the process.

Maybe someday I will look back and said that 2016 was the best year of my life because it was the worst, after all only within darkness you can really appreciate light. 

Self-esteem and liking Queen

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I really can’t  comprehend beauty itself, what its beautiful to me it’s often very normal or average to someone else, my friends have often told me that I don’t have a very particular good taste in men or girls, to them I always like the “weird ones” 
Which has made me think about rejection, I remembered that most of my adolescence I didn’t like myself, I hate it every part of my body, my hair, my eyes, my mouth, my height, the shape of my body it was never good enough, it never had the right color or right shape or form. Now I know that the basic standard of beauty has been dictated a lot by the media since I have been a little girl, but I think I had the fortune to be exposed to the “weird beauty” and not the “obvious kind of beauty” my dad would make listen to David Bowie, Marylyn Manson, Boy George and to Queen etc.. they all were the weird ones and to me they looked so beautiful and I could somehow relate to them and it made me realize quickly I’m also beautiful in my own weird way like I belonged to that category that media didn’t bother too much on exploiting and I started to like certain things about me, but still I would reject some other parts as any teenager would do, because after all when you are in high school no one wants to be with the dark, weird kid on the corner.

When I first fell in love with him, somehow every corner that I hated about me would light up and shine only beauty, not for one moment I recall him hating something about my body, he seem to loved everything about me and my self worth started to depend on his constant approval, It made me kind of give up on myself, if he loved me just the way I’m I didn’t need to put any actual effort, right? Well I was so wrong in so many levels it’s not okay to depend if you like you  only because someone else loves you, I gave up on having a relationship with myself, to like me the way I could only like me, does it make sense?

When we broke up I started to notice that I wasn’t the only girl in the world for him, that it could exist the possibility of him liking someone else but me, that didn’t crossed my mind until we started to have problems and as any person in this modern age would do after having doubts of your partner, I started to do some social stalking and boy what I found… or more what I think I found, it was a slap in the face to realize that he actually was giving and receiving  some sort of affection from other girls and I knew then what truly meant to be jealous and how blind jealousy can make you, it’s another monster in one head telling you how you are not worthy and how you have some kind of right to be the ONLY person in their lives, it’s a very ugly feeling and forgive me if I sound romantic but it truly can kill love.

I’m sure boys and girls can feel jealousy but to actually admit that “the girl/boy he/she is hanging out with its more beautiful or cool than me” as girl or boy I’m sure its huge blow to your self esteem its rejecting yourself first before the actual person rejects you it’s kind of a defense mechanism to what you think is coming or maybe you intuition kicks in and your evaluation of the situation is in fact and sadly correct.

Fast forward to six month after the “dooms day” (break up) I had to pick up little by little the pieces of myself and not only until yesterday while I was alone in the house and after walking the dogs I took a long bath I looked myself in the mirror I saw pimples, fat, cellulite, unwanted hair and to my surprise it didn’t bother me at all, not one fucking bit, for a moment there I felt everything that is in me made me beautiful not only this imperfect/perfect package but my mind, my actions, the way I care about people, the way I always try to choose kindness over bitterness, the way I’ve learned to understand that one someone doesn’t like you anymore you still have you and you’re still amazing they just don’t like David Bowie or Queen jaja they don’t get it and they only expect the obvious beauty -> the one that media try to sell us all the time, that it doesn’t matter if you are rude or just plain stupid as long as you have long luscious hair with green eyes and fair skin you are good to go or if you are a guy you had to be loaded with cash, tall with a very big muscular body otherwise you are “hmm at least it’s something” 

So good for me, I guess that I’m starting to like myself in my own way without any approval; I’m pretty sure it’s the haircut, I mean I totally look fucking amazing with it.

Today I put a little more makeup on and that might seem trivial but for me it took all this to do it. 

Cliché do work in some cases!
Love 

Susana,