To the guy who taught me about love

Standard

Pathetic: arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness

Does it sound bad? An insult? Is it really terrible to be pathetic? 

What about if something very sad happens to you, for example  I broke up with my boyfriend, we had a 9 year relationship and for me, I swear this was going to be a forever, now, I’m human and sometimes I did had doubts or thoughts “is this it?” but then I will look up to him smiling at me and I knew that I wanted to see that smile for the rest of my life,  he was far far far from perfect he has many flaws as everyone does but every flaw of him was to me endearing it doesn’t mean I never got mad at him but  his flaws were perfect there were thing I could live with and work with. Even now after almost 6 months from our break up he still worries about me, he still has the perfect flaws, you see he is cruel very cruel in the most kindest way if that makes sense, I’m a very emotional person so even though I have read what should I do after a break up or what to do get him back, but its seem impossible to me do the things they say I should do, having no contact at all with him when all I wanna do is hug him because I know he is also suffering, the difference between the two of us is that he is more emotional mature than me, he is doing all the right things after break up, going out,  not bottling up everything and the most important thing not falling into a clinical depression as I did, yeah I had to seek help because at one point it got so unbearable to live, to be without him that to my utter surprise I started to develop anxiety or panic attacks whatever that shit is, it definitely didn’t feel your normal post breakup pain. This loss took a lot of me but after six months it has also give me a lot of things too, I will be a dammed fool if I didn’t allow myself to gain something from this or more precisely allow myself to receive the gift of “enlightenment” that only comes with pain. Never was I sympathetic with the pain of others and could only imagine their pain, ¡how much of lack of imagination I had! but now I know what it feels to cry so hard that  you can’t grasp for air and you feel like drowing literally in your sadness, I heard that once you had your heart broken you have two choices let light in through the cracks or let darkness creep  in and I came with a conclusion if your love was real, darkness can’t enter through those cracks, love on his own will only let enter light even in the most brutal suffering.

So, I’m pathetic and its okay, it’s not bad, actually it means I’m alive after all, now lets loss reveal the meaning thats missing in me.

 Thanks my love to give me the oportunity to knew what was true love true pain and had the ultimate test of it. 

Love

Susana

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