Learn and let go

Standard

Ego.

I thought for the longest time that I was going to be the one who will break the walls of that boy. Oh I was so wrong… Instead of that, I got broken, shattered. that’s what you get when you try to “fix” someone who doesn’t needed fixing in the first place.

Pride.

I had a plan for both of us and I thought he wanted the same things,  even though the signs were always there, yelling at me. I didn’t listen, I choose to ignore them, because I thought I was right and they were wrong.

I paid the price, I accept my mistake and I choose to learn and let go. 

The moment that I said to you “I love you” with real tears in my face and my heart in my throat, you just looked down and hug me, I knew then, my worst fear came to reality and it didn’t hit me that hard because I have played that scene over and over in my head,  must thank my anxiety for that. You felt out of love for me.

Now strangely enough, I feel comfortable in all this chaos, I had my answer. Finally.

I think, this time I can move on. With the truth clear to me it’s easier.

Maybe this is a strange thing to think right now but in my head I have created a list for what someone should have to be my partner, it goes like this:

  • He or she shall no promise me a forever.
  • He or she shall have courage to tell me that when there is no longer love for me, it will be said in front of me “I no longer love you”.
  • No up to have a highschool romance, I have 27 year old. I’m done with low level commitment.
  • Must. love. cats.

Thats it for now. 

As I like to deal with numbers (counting) I’ll put it here 2 days without talking to him.

Keeping the faith alive

Susana.

Advertisements

Lets talk about cliches

Standard

​At some point we all fall into this, we all follow some patterns that society or people around us depending were you live call cliché, for example after a break up the norm says: cut your hair, join the gym, lose weight, download tinder or whatever app that serve the purpose of meeting a new human being to fill a void, yeah, clichés. In my case I did follow some of this clichés that one follows after a break up, after 6 month I cut my hair, a lot, my hair was almost reaching my waist and  I really loved my long hair because it made me feel prettier and after all my exboyfriend  likes girls with long hair and often he will say with a lovely voice how he loved my hair -> remembering only the good things it’s also a cliché, so I cut it really low, my long hair remind me of a time that I need to move on from, now it’s so short that I can’t even made a ponytail with my hair, I followed the most clichés of clichés (cutting hair after break up) but I did it in a not half hearted way  and I can say I’ve never felt more comfortable with my hair than before,  it feels liberating and somehow rebellious and the most important thing somehow I feel like I look more me than I’ve ever looked before, I wonder, was I wearing a proverbial wig all this time? 

I also move from my house; this is not a cliché (I think), after I got diagnosed with depression I started to actually looked at my surroundings and I realize, I love my mom the way all good children loves their mom and I always will, she has gave me a lot support in her own way and I’m eternally grateful to have the privilege to be her daughter, but now I know she is not perfect and not for one second I blame her for her imperfections but at this moment of my life I needed to get away because there is so much that I can deal with right now and her ways of being very drama queen (I think she suffered the break up and the depression worst than I did)  plus I had to live with her husband which I hate with the force of a thousand suns (10 things I hate about you movie line) it was high time for me to leave that place together with my faithful partner of all this years, my dog who is 16 years old, blind and very fragile but very loyal as a dog can be.

This decision didn’t happen overnight I have a friend who is a very gentle and wild soul but in a lot of troubles, he is living alone in a house with 4 empty rooms with a dog and a cat, he offered me the opportunity to live with him at least for a while, he is not charging any money even though he really need it, given this huge chance I took it be cause I knew this was one time chance;  I don’t think there are proper words of gratitude for him for the help he has given me, so in the mean time I plan to do everything in my power to at least make him company and helping him around the house, he is the messiest person I’ve ever met, my mom would cringe to dead if she saw the kitchen  luckily I really don’t mind a messy kitchen or a messy room, I’m after all a messy person myself so it’s all good to me, a little important thing to mention he is the best friend of my ex boyfriend; it could be complicated, I know, but this is far more manageable than breathing the same air as the douche bag I had to live with for a lot of years of my life and a micromanager drama queen who wouldn’t leave me alone, anyways the house is big, I have my own room and my own car if I need to get away, overall its manageable situation.

After I moved I smoked 5 cigarettes in one night, I haven’t done this since I was 19 years old and now it feels weird, because I did smoke a lot before in my very younger days, if I recall the first time I smoked was when I was 13 years old until I reach a legal age to actually smoke, at 18 it lost all excitement of smoking and plus I didn’t want to buy cigarettes anymore, this desire clicked off when my favorite cousin told me “I hate girls that smoke” that didn’t sound good to me, after all why is it bad for girls and ok for boys? But he was my favorite cousin and he didn’t know that I would escape my house every night to smoke a cigarette or two and I started to feel shame, so I stop; fast forward to now I can’t really give a fuck if any boy or person that I love likes it or not, it is after all my fucking life and my body.

So, cliché we all fall into this, maybe this are guidelines to follow in case of any big event in your life, but you can make it your own special guideline as I think I did. 

What would be next, lose weight? Argh maybe it will happen on its own now that I don’t live with my mom.

Nevermind that, I will go with the flow.

Love

Susana