Surviving the end

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Recurrent dreams.

I have a couple of places that only exists in my mind. A beach, a city, a building on fire.

This places have something in common, the world is always ending and instead of been scared I just contemplate how beautiful an apocalyptic scene can be. For example. When I have the dream of the beach there are always three doors colored with the primary colors, at first I thought each door would lead to different places but I have taken the three options and I always get the same. The scene at the beach. When I go in the door behind me disappear and there is a big storm that makes the sea look very violent until it form a big wave and I can see, that this wave is going to get me and there is no way to survive it or avoid it, but I’m never afraid, it just looks so bigger than me to be afraid.

Now, in real life I think I had a premonition or something that a wave was coming to my life and just like the dream there was no door, no path to avoid it, but I couldn’t really appreciate it until it hit me, this time I have been contemplating/living the damage done by that wave and the storms that still is going on.

I think the most beautiful view will be the aftermath and how I survive it.

Riding a wave

Susana,

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Six days and a bomb

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I’m pretty sure my bad decisions have let me to a series of unwanted but interesiting adventures. 

I moved from my house with the hope of creating some necessary space between a micromanager mother and the asshole she calls husband and to actually make some company to a friend that was having serious problems with bipolar disorder plus he was evicted from his house he had a few weeks to figure that out and honestly it just seem impossible. I went there, to a place that seems more stressful than living with the two stressors of my life, but for me it was stress free, believe or not. I think everyone thought that this was a terrible idea, but for that time I knew peace. 6 days

This wasn’t going to last long as I suspected, I’ve learned the hard way to never hold on to the good times, enjoy it, yes, but no hold on to them because just like that everything can and will blow up in your face, the best is to have little preparation just in case. Maybe this why I love photography “a moment petrified forever”every day for 5 days little birds will give the best good morning  and to think that I will have another day to capture that, I lost that moment forever… Strangely enough the last day when I set up my camera to capture thia picture there were no birds.

So a thursday came, I didn’t even had a week in his house and I received a call from my ex asking me if I was okay…        -That question coming from him its starting to seem fucking stupid- But anyways I got intrigued and just gave a polite answer but something in that question seems off… I asked what was wrong and… The bomb…

My friend was gone… His uncle took him to a menthal facility because he lost it, something happened he just lost it and it seems he was starting to be a danger to himself and others so the uncle took him to make sure he was receiving the care he really need, they found traces of weed in his blood and he was talking about how he was going to end his life (according to the uncle) it pains me because he is one of those people that can light up a room with his personality and he is one of the smartest persons I know, so why… It’s one of those things that just are, I guess.

I had to leave that place as soon as I could at 10pm, my ex was with me so he helped me getting everything in the car so I stayed there looking at my situation with everything I could live with in my car and a additional character in my life, I had to take the cat with me otherwise I’m pretty sure they would abandon the cat to his luck on the streets and I couldn’t leave it there after all that cat has crawled his way into my heart, I mean he is the cutest, evilish thing ever, I think they are made of magic.

So… With no choice… At my ex house with my dog and cat and all my belongings, I felt a little pathetic thinking, it seems I can’t let him be,  do I always need saving? Is this some stupid chick flick that I’m living?… I started to feel anger…. Why? Wtf?

You know what was funny? My mom told me “it’s better if you don’t come back and make it on your own” that same fucking thursday.

At my ex car I just started to cry and cry and cry it wouldn’t stop and what I saw? Him chatting with a girl who was very worried and anxious about my friend situation…and I felt a strange pain in my knee when I looked I had blood on top of a scratch I had days before… Something bit me just on top of the scar and from my experience that was a spider… What a luck… Next day I ended up with fucking IV in my veins because my blood pressure was very very low and high fever so… Yeah good days + bad days =adventure

Well for six days I had peace and tranquillity so for that I’m grateful, I just hope my friend can come out of this better and stronger.

I hope that next time I can save myself so he can go with peace of mind that I after all  will be fine…

You know what maybe someday I’ll have someone who I won’t care if he save me or not, because it will be a team kind of thing -to help each other-

Hope what an abstract concept for the depressed.

If you are having a moment of peace, savor it, enjoy it, write about it but don’t hold on.

Love

Susana