Learn and let go

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Ego.

I thought for the longest time that I was going to be the one who will break the walls of that boy. Oh I was so wrong… Instead of that, I got broken, shattered. that’s what you get when you try to “fix” someone who doesn’t needed fixing in the first place.

Pride.

I had a plan for both of us and I thought he wanted the same things,  even though the signs were always there, yelling at me. I didn’t listen, I choose to ignore them, because I thought I was right and they were wrong.

I paid the price, I accept my mistake and I choose to learn and let go. 

The moment that I said to you “I love you” with real tears in my face and my heart in my throat, you just looked down and hug me, I knew then, my worst fear came to reality and it didn’t hit me that hard because I have played that scene over and over in my head,  must thank my anxiety for that. You felt out of love for me.

Now strangely enough, I feel comfortable in all this chaos, I had my answer. Finally.

I think, this time I can move on. With the truth clear to me it’s easier.

Maybe this is a strange thing to think right now but in my head I have created a list for what someone should have to be my partner, it goes like this:

  • He or she shall no promise me a forever.
  • He or she shall have courage to tell me that when there is no longer love for me, it will be said in front of me “I no longer love you”.
  • No up to have a highschool romance, I have 27 year old. I’m done with low level commitment.
  • Must. love. cats.

Thats it for now. 

As I like to deal with numbers (counting) I’ll put it here 2 days without talking to him.

Keeping the faith alive

Susana.

Six days and a bomb

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I’m pretty sure my bad decisions have let me to a series of unwanted but interesiting adventures. 

I moved from my house with the hope of creating some necessary space between a micromanager mother and the asshole she calls husband and to actually make some company to a friend that was having serious problems with bipolar disorder plus he was evicted from his house he had a few weeks to figure that out and honestly it just seem impossible. I went there, to a place that seems more stressful than living with the two stressors of my life, but for me it was stress free, believe or not. I think everyone thought that this was a terrible idea, but for that time I knew peace. 6 days

This wasn’t going to last long as I suspected, I’ve learned the hard way to never hold on to the good times, enjoy it, yes, but no hold on to them because just like that everything can and will blow up in your face, the best is to have little preparation just in case. Maybe this why I love photography “a moment petrified forever”every day for 5 days little birds will give the best good morning  and to think that I will have another day to capture that, I lost that moment forever… Strangely enough the last day when I set up my camera to capture thia picture there were no birds.

So a thursday came, I didn’t even had a week in his house and I received a call from my ex asking me if I was okay…        -That question coming from him its starting to seem fucking stupid- But anyways I got intrigued and just gave a polite answer but something in that question seems off… I asked what was wrong and… The bomb…

My friend was gone… His uncle took him to a menthal facility because he lost it, something happened he just lost it and it seems he was starting to be a danger to himself and others so the uncle took him to make sure he was receiving the care he really need, they found traces of weed in his blood and he was talking about how he was going to end his life (according to the uncle) it pains me because he is one of those people that can light up a room with his personality and he is one of the smartest persons I know, so why… It’s one of those things that just are, I guess.

I had to leave that place as soon as I could at 10pm, my ex was with me so he helped me getting everything in the car so I stayed there looking at my situation with everything I could live with in my car and a additional character in my life, I had to take the cat with me otherwise I’m pretty sure they would abandon the cat to his luck on the streets and I couldn’t leave it there after all that cat has crawled his way into my heart, I mean he is the cutest, evilish thing ever, I think they are made of magic.

So… With no choice… At my ex house with my dog and cat and all my belongings, I felt a little pathetic thinking, it seems I can’t let him be,  do I always need saving? Is this some stupid chick flick that I’m living?… I started to feel anger…. Why? Wtf?

You know what was funny? My mom told me “it’s better if you don’t come back and make it on your own” that same fucking thursday.

At my ex car I just started to cry and cry and cry it wouldn’t stop and what I saw? Him chatting with a girl who was very worried and anxious about my friend situation…and I felt a strange pain in my knee when I looked I had blood on top of a scratch I had days before… Something bit me just on top of the scar and from my experience that was a spider… What a luck… Next day I ended up with fucking IV in my veins because my blood pressure was very very low and high fever so… Yeah good days + bad days =adventure

Well for six days I had peace and tranquillity so for that I’m grateful, I just hope my friend can come out of this better and stronger.

I hope that next time I can save myself so he can go with peace of mind that I after all  will be fine…

You know what maybe someday I’ll have someone who I won’t care if he save me or not, because it will be a team kind of thing -to help each other-

Hope what an abstract concept for the depressed.

If you are having a moment of peace, savor it, enjoy it, write about it but don’t hold on.

Love

Susana

 

Lets talk about cliches

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​At some point we all fall into this, we all follow some patterns that society or people around us depending were you live call cliché, for example after a break up the norm says: cut your hair, join the gym, lose weight, download tinder or whatever app that serve the purpose of meeting a new human being to fill a void, yeah, clichés. In my case I did follow some of this clichés that one follows after a break up, after 6 month I cut my hair, a lot, my hair was almost reaching my waist and  I really loved my long hair because it made me feel prettier and after all my exboyfriend  likes girls with long hair and often he will say with a lovely voice how he loved my hair -> remembering only the good things it’s also a cliché, so I cut it really low, my long hair remind me of a time that I need to move on from, now it’s so short that I can’t even made a ponytail with my hair, I followed the most clichés of clichés (cutting hair after break up) but I did it in a not half hearted way  and I can say I’ve never felt more comfortable with my hair than before,  it feels liberating and somehow rebellious and the most important thing somehow I feel like I look more me than I’ve ever looked before, I wonder, was I wearing a proverbial wig all this time? 

I also move from my house; this is not a cliché (I think), after I got diagnosed with depression I started to actually looked at my surroundings and I realize, I love my mom the way all good children loves their mom and I always will, she has gave me a lot support in her own way and I’m eternally grateful to have the privilege to be her daughter, but now I know she is not perfect and not for one second I blame her for her imperfections but at this moment of my life I needed to get away because there is so much that I can deal with right now and her ways of being very drama queen (I think she suffered the break up and the depression worst than I did)  plus I had to live with her husband which I hate with the force of a thousand suns (10 things I hate about you movie line) it was high time for me to leave that place together with my faithful partner of all this years, my dog who is 16 years old, blind and very fragile but very loyal as a dog can be.

This decision didn’t happen overnight I have a friend who is a very gentle and wild soul but in a lot of troubles, he is living alone in a house with 4 empty rooms with a dog and a cat, he offered me the opportunity to live with him at least for a while, he is not charging any money even though he really need it, given this huge chance I took it be cause I knew this was one time chance;  I don’t think there are proper words of gratitude for him for the help he has given me, so in the mean time I plan to do everything in my power to at least make him company and helping him around the house, he is the messiest person I’ve ever met, my mom would cringe to dead if she saw the kitchen  luckily I really don’t mind a messy kitchen or a messy room, I’m after all a messy person myself so it’s all good to me, a little important thing to mention he is the best friend of my ex boyfriend; it could be complicated, I know, but this is far more manageable than breathing the same air as the douche bag I had to live with for a lot of years of my life and a micromanager drama queen who wouldn’t leave me alone, anyways the house is big, I have my own room and my own car if I need to get away, overall its manageable situation.

After I moved I smoked 5 cigarettes in one night, I haven’t done this since I was 19 years old and now it feels weird, because I did smoke a lot before in my very younger days, if I recall the first time I smoked was when I was 13 years old until I reach a legal age to actually smoke, at 18 it lost all excitement of smoking and plus I didn’t want to buy cigarettes anymore, this desire clicked off when my favorite cousin told me “I hate girls that smoke” that didn’t sound good to me, after all why is it bad for girls and ok for boys? But he was my favorite cousin and he didn’t know that I would escape my house every night to smoke a cigarette or two and I started to feel shame, so I stop; fast forward to now I can’t really give a fuck if any boy or person that I love likes it or not, it is after all my fucking life and my body.

So, cliché we all fall into this, maybe this are guidelines to follow in case of any big event in your life, but you can make it your own special guideline as I think I did. 

What would be next, lose weight? Argh maybe it will happen on its own now that I don’t live with my mom.

Nevermind that, I will go with the flow.

Love

Susana

To the guy who taught me about love

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Pathetic: arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness

Does it sound bad? An insult? Is it really terrible to be pathetic? 

What about if something very sad happens to you, for example  I broke up with my boyfriend, we had a 9 year relationship and for me, I swear this was going to be a forever, now, I’m human and sometimes I did had doubts or thoughts “is this it?” but then I will look up to him smiling at me and I knew that I wanted to see that smile for the rest of my life,  he was far far far from perfect he has many flaws as everyone does but every flaw of him was to me endearing it doesn’t mean I never got mad at him but  his flaws were perfect there were thing I could live with and work with. Even now after almost 6 months from our break up he still worries about me, he still has the perfect flaws, you see he is cruel very cruel in the most kindest way if that makes sense, I’m a very emotional person so even though I have read what should I do after a break up or what to do get him back, but its seem impossible to me do the things they say I should do, having no contact at all with him when all I wanna do is hug him because I know he is also suffering, the difference between the two of us is that he is more emotional mature than me, he is doing all the right things after break up, going out,  not bottling up everything and the most important thing not falling into a clinical depression as I did, yeah I had to seek help because at one point it got so unbearable to live, to be without him that to my utter surprise I started to develop anxiety or panic attacks whatever that shit is, it definitely didn’t feel your normal post breakup pain. This loss took a lot of me but after six months it has also give me a lot of things too, I will be a dammed fool if I didn’t allow myself to gain something from this or more precisely allow myself to receive the gift of “enlightenment” that only comes with pain. Never was I sympathetic with the pain of others and could only imagine their pain, ¡how much of lack of imagination I had! but now I know what it feels to cry so hard that  you can’t grasp for air and you feel like drowing literally in your sadness, I heard that once you had your heart broken you have two choices let light in through the cracks or let darkness creep  in and I came with a conclusion if your love was real, darkness can’t enter through those cracks, love on his own will only let enter light even in the most brutal suffering.

So, I’m pathetic and its okay, it’s not bad, actually it means I’m alive after all, now lets loss reveal the meaning thats missing in me.

 Thanks my love to give me the oportunity to knew what was true love true pain and had the ultimate test of it. 

Love

Susana