Cruel to be kind

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Kindness, what a misleading thing.

I think for the longest time I’ve been very naïve about kindness, for me been kind was to give something to someone that they need (asked or what I thought they need it), it could be something material like money or emotional investment, but unfortunately it’s not that easy. How many times do you really know what you actually need? Most of the time we tend to ask something we want without even consider our true needs.

A few weeks ago, I had an anxiety crisis and I wanted to avoid driving in this state because I was afraid to get in a car accident so I went to my ex boyfriend house, he was about to leave to meet with his cousin, so he couldn’t really stay with me, but I just needed a few minutes to calm down, to the medicine to kick in, when I was there I told him that I didn’t felt good and he wanted to listen how I felt, however I was very tired, I didn’t want to explain that ache in my chest for the hundredth time, I just wanted to feel safe, so instead I asked “Please, just give me a hug”. I asked for this because at that moment I didn’t care if I was losing face or if I was been pathetic or if his hugs would be just out of pity, I didn’t care, I wanted that so badly period, but to my utter and shocking surprise he said “No, I’m late to meet my cousin”. What??

Rejection.  With so much rejection lately I think I have learned to handle it pretty well on the outside so I just shut my mouth but my mind was in a race of its own. “How much time does it take to give a hug?” “Why is he refusing such a stupid and simple request?” “How can he denied a hug to the person he still insist in saying that he love?” it went on with so many question until I asked myself “In which scenario would I refuse a hug of someone I care?” then I remembered a very particular person I used to care a lot about and how he would often ask me to hug him, kiss him etc.. And how I thought I was been kind to always give him exactly what he asked for, he was my friend, I didn’t see any reasonable reason to denied him affection knowing he was not emotionally right at that moment, until of course everything blew up in my face, he felt in love with me and I didn’t feel the same, without knowing I was cruel  to him and ignorance is never a card you can use to not been guilty of something.

Even though I didn’t actually said anything about the denied hug and just shut my mouth he knew the effect he made in me and like answering most of the question in my mind he said “You always get mad at me when you request something that I fail to provide, but you never truly appreciate what I do give you, what I give its never enough to you if it’s not on your request list” ouch…

After so many days of feeling hurt for that particular rejection and thinking about his last words I did me a favor and start to actually take responsibility of my emotions, of my problems, of the situation, of my shits and I knew that even thought I felt really sad he did the right thing, I didn’t really need a hug from him, what I truly need  was for once to start to be kind to myself and to stop waiting for him to save me, stop waiting for him to cure me, stop waiting for him to stop saying that he can’t be in a relationship with me right now and start saying that he wanted me back and for the most import thing to stop thinking that been in a relationship with him or with anybody else would save me from my monsters, because nobody can really save you but you, nobody can really fight your inner demons but you. 

It’s weird but in the midst of it all, I thought, do I really want to give this person I am right now to someone I love? Can I give proper love right now if I haven’t really fought off my demons? The love in me exists but the means to give it has disappeared and until I found it again I will be able love fully, freely and completely without losing myself in the process.

Maybe someday I will look back and said that 2016 was the best year of my life because it was the worst, after all only within darkness you can really appreciate light. 

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To the guy who taught me about love

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Pathetic: arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness

Does it sound bad? An insult? Is it really terrible to be pathetic? 

What about if something very sad happens to you, for example  I broke up with my boyfriend, we had a 9 year relationship and for me, I swear this was going to be a forever, now, I’m human and sometimes I did had doubts or thoughts “is this it?” but then I will look up to him smiling at me and I knew that I wanted to see that smile for the rest of my life,  he was far far far from perfect he has many flaws as everyone does but every flaw of him was to me endearing it doesn’t mean I never got mad at him but  his flaws were perfect there were thing I could live with and work with. Even now after almost 6 months from our break up he still worries about me, he still has the perfect flaws, you see he is cruel very cruel in the most kindest way if that makes sense, I’m a very emotional person so even though I have read what should I do after a break up or what to do get him back, but its seem impossible to me do the things they say I should do, having no contact at all with him when all I wanna do is hug him because I know he is also suffering, the difference between the two of us is that he is more emotional mature than me, he is doing all the right things after break up, going out,  not bottling up everything and the most important thing not falling into a clinical depression as I did, yeah I had to seek help because at one point it got so unbearable to live, to be without him that to my utter surprise I started to develop anxiety or panic attacks whatever that shit is, it definitely didn’t feel your normal post breakup pain. This loss took a lot of me but after six months it has also give me a lot of things too, I will be a dammed fool if I didn’t allow myself to gain something from this or more precisely allow myself to receive the gift of “enlightenment” that only comes with pain. Never was I sympathetic with the pain of others and could only imagine their pain, ¡how much of lack of imagination I had! but now I know what it feels to cry so hard that  you can’t grasp for air and you feel like drowing literally in your sadness, I heard that once you had your heart broken you have two choices let light in through the cracks or let darkness creep  in and I came with a conclusion if your love was real, darkness can’t enter through those cracks, love on his own will only let enter light even in the most brutal suffering.

So, I’m pathetic and its okay, it’s not bad, actually it means I’m alive after all, now lets loss reveal the meaning thats missing in me.

 Thanks my love to give me the oportunity to knew what was true love true pain and had the ultimate test of it. 

Love

Susana