Six days and a bomb

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I’m pretty sure my bad decisions have let me to a series of unwanted but interesiting adventures. 

I moved from my house with the hope of creating some necessary space between a micromanager mother and the asshole she calls husband and to actually make some company to a friend that was having serious problems with bipolar disorder plus he was evicted from his house he had a few weeks to figure that out and honestly it just seem impossible. I went there, to a place that seems more stressful than living with the two stressors of my life, but for me it was stress free, believe or not. I think everyone thought that this was a terrible idea, but for that time I knew peace. 6 days

This wasn’t going to last long as I suspected, I’ve learned the hard way to never hold on to the good times, enjoy it, yes, but no hold on to them because just like that everything can and will blow up in your face, the best is to have little preparation just in case. Maybe this why I love photography “a moment petrified forever”every day for 5 days little birds will give the best good morning  and to think that I will have another day to capture that, I lost that moment forever… Strangely enough the last day when I set up my camera to capture thia picture there were no birds.

So a thursday came, I didn’t even had a week in his house and I received a call from my ex asking me if I was okay…        -That question coming from him its starting to seem fucking stupid- But anyways I got intrigued and just gave a polite answer but something in that question seems off… I asked what was wrong and… The bomb…

My friend was gone… His uncle took him to a menthal facility because he lost it, something happened he just lost it and it seems he was starting to be a danger to himself and others so the uncle took him to make sure he was receiving the care he really need, they found traces of weed in his blood and he was talking about how he was going to end his life (according to the uncle) it pains me because he is one of those people that can light up a room with his personality and he is one of the smartest persons I know, so why… It’s one of those things that just are, I guess.

I had to leave that place as soon as I could at 10pm, my ex was with me so he helped me getting everything in the car so I stayed there looking at my situation with everything I could live with in my car and a additional character in my life, I had to take the cat with me otherwise I’m pretty sure they would abandon the cat to his luck on the streets and I couldn’t leave it there after all that cat has crawled his way into my heart, I mean he is the cutest, evilish thing ever, I think they are made of magic.

So… With no choice… At my ex house with my dog and cat and all my belongings, I felt a little pathetic thinking, it seems I can’t let him be,  do I always need saving? Is this some stupid chick flick that I’m living?… I started to feel anger…. Why? Wtf?

You know what was funny? My mom told me “it’s better if you don’t come back and make it on your own” that same fucking thursday.

At my ex car I just started to cry and cry and cry it wouldn’t stop and what I saw? Him chatting with a girl who was very worried and anxious about my friend situation…and I felt a strange pain in my knee when I looked I had blood on top of a scratch I had days before… Something bit me just on top of the scar and from my experience that was a spider… What a luck… Next day I ended up with fucking IV in my veins because my blood pressure was very very low and high fever so… Yeah good days + bad days =adventure

Well for six days I had peace and tranquillity so for that I’m grateful, I just hope my friend can come out of this better and stronger.

I hope that next time I can save myself so he can go with peace of mind that I after all  will be fine…

You know what maybe someday I’ll have someone who I won’t care if he save me or not, because it will be a team kind of thing -to help each other-

Hope what an abstract concept for the depressed.

If you are having a moment of peace, savor it, enjoy it, write about it but don’t hold on.

Love

Susana

 

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Cruel to be kind

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Kindness, what a misleading thing.

I think for the longest time I’ve been very naïve about kindness, for me been kind was to give something to someone that they need (asked or what I thought they need it), it could be something material like money or emotional investment, but unfortunately it’s not that easy. How many times do you really know what you actually need? Most of the time we tend to ask something we want without even consider our true needs.

A few weeks ago, I had an anxiety crisis and I wanted to avoid driving in this state because I was afraid to get in a car accident so I went to my ex boyfriend house, he was about to leave to meet with his cousin, so he couldn’t really stay with me, but I just needed a few minutes to calm down, to the medicine to kick in, when I was there I told him that I didn’t felt good and he wanted to listen how I felt, however I was very tired, I didn’t want to explain that ache in my chest for the hundredth time, I just wanted to feel safe, so instead I asked “Please, just give me a hug”. I asked for this because at that moment I didn’t care if I was losing face or if I was been pathetic or if his hugs would be just out of pity, I didn’t care, I wanted that so badly period, but to my utter and shocking surprise he said “No, I’m late to meet my cousin”. What??

Rejection.  With so much rejection lately I think I have learned to handle it pretty well on the outside so I just shut my mouth but my mind was in a race of its own. “How much time does it take to give a hug?” “Why is he refusing such a stupid and simple request?” “How can he denied a hug to the person he still insist in saying that he love?” it went on with so many question until I asked myself “In which scenario would I refuse a hug of someone I care?” then I remembered a very particular person I used to care a lot about and how he would often ask me to hug him, kiss him etc.. And how I thought I was been kind to always give him exactly what he asked for, he was my friend, I didn’t see any reasonable reason to denied him affection knowing he was not emotionally right at that moment, until of course everything blew up in my face, he felt in love with me and I didn’t feel the same, without knowing I was cruel  to him and ignorance is never a card you can use to not been guilty of something.

Even though I didn’t actually said anything about the denied hug and just shut my mouth he knew the effect he made in me and like answering most of the question in my mind he said “You always get mad at me when you request something that I fail to provide, but you never truly appreciate what I do give you, what I give its never enough to you if it’s not on your request list” ouch…

After so many days of feeling hurt for that particular rejection and thinking about his last words I did me a favor and start to actually take responsibility of my emotions, of my problems, of the situation, of my shits and I knew that even thought I felt really sad he did the right thing, I didn’t really need a hug from him, what I truly need  was for once to start to be kind to myself and to stop waiting for him to save me, stop waiting for him to cure me, stop waiting for him to stop saying that he can’t be in a relationship with me right now and start saying that he wanted me back and for the most import thing to stop thinking that been in a relationship with him or with anybody else would save me from my monsters, because nobody can really save you but you, nobody can really fight your inner demons but you. 

It’s weird but in the midst of it all, I thought, do I really want to give this person I am right now to someone I love? Can I give proper love right now if I haven’t really fought off my demons? The love in me exists but the means to give it has disappeared and until I found it again I will be able love fully, freely and completely without losing myself in the process.

Maybe someday I will look back and said that 2016 was the best year of my life because it was the worst, after all only within darkness you can really appreciate light. 

To the guy who taught me about love

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Pathetic: arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness

Does it sound bad? An insult? Is it really terrible to be pathetic? 

What about if something very sad happens to you, for example  I broke up with my boyfriend, we had a 9 year relationship and for me, I swear this was going to be a forever, now, I’m human and sometimes I did had doubts or thoughts “is this it?” but then I will look up to him smiling at me and I knew that I wanted to see that smile for the rest of my life,  he was far far far from perfect he has many flaws as everyone does but every flaw of him was to me endearing it doesn’t mean I never got mad at him but  his flaws were perfect there were thing I could live with and work with. Even now after almost 6 months from our break up he still worries about me, he still has the perfect flaws, you see he is cruel very cruel in the most kindest way if that makes sense, I’m a very emotional person so even though I have read what should I do after a break up or what to do get him back, but its seem impossible to me do the things they say I should do, having no contact at all with him when all I wanna do is hug him because I know he is also suffering, the difference between the two of us is that he is more emotional mature than me, he is doing all the right things after break up, going out,  not bottling up everything and the most important thing not falling into a clinical depression as I did, yeah I had to seek help because at one point it got so unbearable to live, to be without him that to my utter surprise I started to develop anxiety or panic attacks whatever that shit is, it definitely didn’t feel your normal post breakup pain. This loss took a lot of me but after six months it has also give me a lot of things too, I will be a dammed fool if I didn’t allow myself to gain something from this or more precisely allow myself to receive the gift of “enlightenment” that only comes with pain. Never was I sympathetic with the pain of others and could only imagine their pain, ¡how much of lack of imagination I had! but now I know what it feels to cry so hard that  you can’t grasp for air and you feel like drowing literally in your sadness, I heard that once you had your heart broken you have two choices let light in through the cracks or let darkness creep  in and I came with a conclusion if your love was real, darkness can’t enter through those cracks, love on his own will only let enter light even in the most brutal suffering.

So, I’m pathetic and its okay, it’s not bad, actually it means I’m alive after all, now lets loss reveal the meaning thats missing in me.

 Thanks my love to give me the oportunity to knew what was true love true pain and had the ultimate test of it. 

Love

Susana