I really can’t comprehend beauty itself, what its beautiful to me it’s often very normal or average to someone else, my friends have often told me that I don’t have a very particular good taste in men or girls, to them I always like the “weird ones”
Which has made me think about rejection, I remembered that most of my adolescence I didn’t like myself, I hate it every part of my body, my hair, my eyes, my mouth, my height, the shape of my body it was never good enough, it never had the right color or right shape or form. Now I know that the basic standard of beauty has been dictated a lot by the media since I have been a little girl, but I think I had the fortune to be exposed to the “weird beauty” and not the “obvious kind of beauty” my dad would make listen to David Bowie, Marylyn Manson, Boy George and to Queen etc.. they all were the weird ones and to me they looked so beautiful and I could somehow relate to them and it made me realize quickly I’m also beautiful in my own weird way like I belonged to that category that media didn’t bother too much on exploiting and I started to like certain things about me, but still I would reject some other parts as any teenager would do, because after all when you are in high school no one wants to be with the dark, weird kid on the corner.
When I first fell in love with him, somehow every corner that I hated about me would light up and shine only beauty, not for one moment I recall him hating something about my body, he seem to loved everything about me and my self worth started to depend on his constant approval, It made me kind of give up on myself, if he loved me just the way I’m I didn’t need to put any actual effort, right? Well I was so wrong in so many levels it’s not okay to depend if you like you only because someone else loves you, I gave up on having a relationship with myself, to like me the way I could only like me, does it make sense?
When we broke up I started to notice that I wasn’t the only girl in the world for him, that it could exist the possibility of him liking someone else but me, that didn’t crossed my mind until we started to have problems and as any person in this modern age would do after having doubts of your partner, I started to do some social stalking and boy what I found… or more what I think I found, it was a slap in the face to realize that he actually was giving and receiving some sort of affection from other girls and I knew then what truly meant to be jealous and how blind jealousy can make you, it’s another monster in one head telling you how you are not worthy and how you have some kind of right to be the ONLY person in their lives, it’s a very ugly feeling and forgive me if I sound romantic but it truly can kill love.
I’m sure boys and girls can feel jealousy but to actually admit that “the girl/boy he/she is hanging out with its more beautiful or cool than me” as girl or boy I’m sure its huge blow to your self esteem its rejecting yourself first before the actual person rejects you it’s kind of a defense mechanism to what you think is coming or maybe you intuition kicks in and your evaluation of the situation is in fact and sadly correct.
Fast forward to six month after the “dooms day” (break up) I had to pick up little by little the pieces of myself and not only until yesterday while I was alone in the house and after walking the dogs I took a long bath I looked myself in the mirror I saw pimples, fat, cellulite, unwanted hair and to my surprise it didn’t bother me at all, not one fucking bit, for a moment there I felt everything that is in me made me beautiful not only this imperfect/perfect package but my mind, my actions, the way I care about people, the way I always try to choose kindness over bitterness, the way I’ve learned to understand that one someone doesn’t like you anymore you still have you and you’re still amazing they just don’t like David Bowie or Queen jaja they don’t get it and they only expect the obvious beauty -> the one that media try to sell us all the time, that it doesn’t matter if you are rude or just plain stupid as long as you have long luscious hair with green eyes and fair skin you are good to go or if you are a guy you had to be loaded with cash, tall with a very big muscular body otherwise you are “hmm at least it’s something”
So good for me, I guess that I’m starting to like myself in my own way without any approval; I’m pretty sure it’s the haircut, I mean I totally look fucking amazing with it.
Today I put a little more makeup on and that might seem trivial but for me it took all this to do it.
Cliché do work in some cases!
Love
Susana,
susieisnotbroken 