Kindness, what a misleading thing.
I think for the longest time I’ve been very naïve about kindness, for me been kind was to give something to someone that they need (asked or what I thought they need it), it could be something material like money or emotional investment, but unfortunately it’s not that easy. How many times do you really know what you actually need? Most of the time we tend to ask something we want without even consider our true needs.
A few weeks ago, I had an anxiety crisis and I wanted to avoid driving in this state because I was afraid to get in a car accident so I went to my ex boyfriend house, he was about to leave to meet with his cousin, so he couldn’t really stay with me, but I just needed a few minutes to calm down, to the medicine to kick in, when I was there I told him that I didn’t felt good and he wanted to listen how I felt, however I was very tired, I didn’t want to explain that ache in my chest for the hundredth time, I just wanted to feel safe, so instead I asked “Please, just give me a hug”. I asked for this because at that moment I didn’t care if I was losing face or if I was been pathetic or if his hugs would be just out of pity, I didn’t care, I wanted that so badly period, but to my utter and shocking surprise he said “No, I’m late to meet my cousin”. What??
Rejection. With so much rejection lately I think I have learned to handle it pretty well on the outside so I just shut my mouth but my mind was in a race of its own. “How much time does it take to give a hug?” “Why is he refusing such a stupid and simple request?” “How can he denied a hug to the person he still insist in saying that he love?” it went on with so many question until I asked myself “In which scenario would I refuse a hug of someone I care?” then I remembered a very particular person I used to care a lot about and how he would often ask me to hug him, kiss him etc.. And how I thought I was been kind to always give him exactly what he asked for, he was my friend, I didn’t see any reasonable reason to denied him affection knowing he was not emotionally right at that moment, until of course everything blew up in my face, he felt in love with me and I didn’t feel the same, without knowing I was cruel to him and ignorance is never a card you can use to not been guilty of something.
Even though I didn’t actually said anything about the denied hug and just shut my mouth he knew the effect he made in me and like answering most of the question in my mind he said “You always get mad at me when you request something that I fail to provide, but you never truly appreciate what I do give you, what I give its never enough to you if it’s not on your request list” ouch…
After so many days of feeling hurt for that particular rejection and thinking about his last words I did me a favor and start to actually take responsibility of my emotions, of my problems, of the situation, of my shits and I knew that even thought I felt really sad he did the right thing, I didn’t really need a hug from him, what I truly need was for once to start to be kind to myself and to stop waiting for him to save me, stop waiting for him to cure me, stop waiting for him to stop saying that he can’t be in a relationship with me right now and start saying that he wanted me back and for the most import thing to stop thinking that been in a relationship with him or with anybody else would save me from my monsters, because nobody can really save you but you, nobody can really fight your inner demons but you.
It’s weird but in the midst of it all, I thought, do I really want to give this person I am right now to someone I love? Can I give proper love right now if I haven’t really fought off my demons? The love in me exists but the means to give it has disappeared and until I found it again I will be able love fully, freely and completely without losing myself in the process.
Maybe someday I will look back and said that 2016 was the best year of my life because it was the worst, after all only within darkness you can really appreciate light.