Learn and let go

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Ego.

I thought for the longest time that I was going to be the one who will break the walls of that boy. Oh I was so wrong… Instead of that, I got broken, shattered. that’s what you get when you try to “fix” someone who doesn’t needed fixing in the first place.

Pride.

I had a plan for both of us and I thought he wanted the same things,  even though the signs were always there, yelling at me. I didn’t listen, I choose to ignore them, because I thought I was right and they were wrong.

I paid the price, I accept my mistake and I choose to learn and let go. 

The moment that I said to you “I love you” with real tears in my face and my heart in my throat, you just looked down and hug me, I knew then, my worst fear came to reality and it didn’t hit me that hard because I have played that scene over and over in my head,  must thank my anxiety for that. You felt out of love for me.

Now strangely enough, I feel comfortable in all this chaos, I had my answer. Finally.

I think, this time I can move on. With the truth clear to me it’s easier.

Maybe this is a strange thing to think right now but in my head I have created a list for what someone should have to be my partner, it goes like this:

  • He or she shall no promise me a forever.
  • He or she shall have courage to tell me that when there is no longer love for me, it will be said in front of me “I no longer love you”.
  • No up to have a highschool romance, I have 27 year old. I’m done with low level commitment.
  • Must. love. cats.

Thats it for now. 

As I like to deal with numbers (counting) I’ll put it here 2 days without talking to him.

Keeping the faith alive

Susana.

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Surviving the end

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Recurrent dreams.

I have a couple of places that only exists in my mind. A beach, a city, a building on fire.

This places have something in common, the world is always ending and instead of been scared I just contemplate how beautiful an apocalyptic scene can be. For example. When I have the dream of the beach there are always three doors colored with the primary colors, at first I thought each door would lead to different places but I have taken the three options and I always get the same. The scene at the beach. When I go in the door behind me disappear and there is a big storm that makes the sea look very violent until it form a big wave and I can see, that this wave is going to get me and there is no way to survive it or avoid it, but I’m never afraid, it just looks so bigger than me to be afraid.

Now, in real life I think I had a premonition or something that a wave was coming to my life and just like the dream there was no door, no path to avoid it, but I couldn’t really appreciate it until it hit me, this time I have been contemplating/living the damage done by that wave and the storms that still is going on.

I think the most beautiful view will be the aftermath and how I survive it.

Riding a wave

Susana,